Cold but Alive
by ShadowWeasel
Summary: There were tears in my eyes, I think. Not many. I almost ran out of them the day before, when I got the news. Threw the phone at the wall. Almost broke it. Screamed. Shut the hell up. She's not dead. Shut up. She can't die. If she can't die, pinch yourself and wake the hell up. If she can't die, why isn't she here? If she can't die, why are you crying?
1. Chapter 1

The sun was bleeding amber beams of light across the solemn, dead earth. Brown-green grass painted the land around her grave the color of a hellish pastel nightmare. Wind spat leaves of scarlet and gold at the silver slab that marked where her coffin was buried. There was still a circular rectangle of dirt where they had dug the hole. The hole. The goddamned hole.

There were tears in my eyes, I think. Not many. I almost ran out of them the day before, when I got the news. I was in my room when I heard.

"Kyon?"

"I'm doing homework. Leave me alone."

"Phone for you."

"Who is it? I'm busy."

"It's Suzumiya. She sounds real sad. She says that Nagato's gone."

I dropped my pen. "She's what?"

Before my little sister could reply, I snatched the phone away from her small hands and answered. Haruhi was a sobbing mess. Dead. Yuki. She's dead. Dead, Kyon.

I lost it. Threw the phone at the wall. Almost broke it. Screamed. Shut the hell up. She's not dead. Shut up. She can't die.

She was the Data-Mind thing, right? She couldn't die. I watched her kill those monsters all that time ago. Badass. Can't die. Can't die.

The hole in the ground, Kyon. Explain the goddamned hole in the ground, smartass. If she can't die, pinch yourself and wake the hell up. If she can't die, why isn't she here? If she can't die, why are you crying?

I was on my knees. Bowing down next to her plot of soil. I made a weak attempt at folding my hands together. Praying. Asking why it happened. Asking for her back. Asking for an answer. Never got one.

Probably because Haruhi's God, dumbass. Go pray to her. Oh, sorry, _H_er. Have to be proper when talking about that sort of thing.

The wind was cold on my face. My nose was frozen by the time the sun vanished behind her engraved rock. Stars stabbed through the indigo blanket of the night like flakes of snow. Snow.

Snow. Snow-white. Skin. Cold. Yuki.

Get you back, even if I have to recreate the world from scratch. Tell that to your boss.

I will tell them.

Then she died. Because of you. What you said. They killed her with the knife you created. The blood is on your hands. Killer. Murderer. Failure.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

You killed her.

The stone was in my grasp. I was clawing at it, chipping away my fingernails. Crimson flowers blooming from my fingertips. Ice numbing the pain.

_Here lies Yuki Nagato. _

Murderer.

Be quiet.

_A good friend... _

Dead because of you.

Stop it.

_... a book-lover... _

Look what you did.

Silence.

_... and quiet enigma. May she rest in peace. _

There is no peace for her. She had no soul.

Stop, please, stop.

She's in hell now.

"Shut the hell up!"

I was in class. Panting, out of breath. My scarf was still on; I hadn't taken it off after I came in. God, it was hot in there. Everyone was staring. Look at the freak. The one who hangs out with Haruhi. The one who cried at the bookworm's funeral.

"Is... everything alright, Kyon?"

I was still out of breath. Couldn't talk. They were still watching. What's the psycho going to say next? Tell the teacher to go to hell. Wouldn't that be something? I'm going tell _all_ of my friends about this at lunch...

"Everything's fine," I said, sitting down like nothing happened. Because nothing did happen. Nothing happened.

"Do you need to see the nurse?"

False sympathy. Shut up or get out of my class. I don't give a damn that you're friend is six feet beneath the surface of the earth. I don't care whether her soul is in heaven or hell or if she even had a soul. I just want you to be quiet.

"Everything," I told him firmly, with spaces in-between each word so he could understand, "is fine."

He shrugged after a few seconds.

I slouched back into my seat. Looked out the window. Watched the wayward leaves wander through the sky. Like they were searching for something.

A killer. They were after me. They knew what I'd done. They were on my trail. They just didn't know where. Not yet.

A reason. To live. To go on. To exist. There was none. But leaves don't know that. Don't know that there's no point to life anymore.

An angel. Six feet under. Purple hair. Pale skin. Black dress. If they hurried, they would find her before the demons did. The demons that eat away dead flesh and throw it back up in hell. Hurry, leaves. Hurry and find her.

Ringing in my ears. The bell. School-bell. I was going to be late. Didn't care. Just left. Hid in the clubroom.

Maybe she'd be there, I thought. Maybe she's there, sitting in her chair, reading God-knows-what. Maybe she's alive. Maybe I can see her again. Hear her voice. See her face. Feel her hands. Cold but alive.


	2. Chapter 2

There was blood on the wall. No. Sunlight. Hard to tell the two apart anymore. The room was empty.

"Kyon?"

Empty.

"Kyon, are you alright?"

Faceless voices. Quiet. I want silence. I _need _silence.

"Snap out of it. Wake up!"

I was awake. Not voices. Voice. One. Koizumi.

He looked at me with concern. Genuine. Not fake like it used to be. Or maybe I was just hopeful. "Kyon, shouldn't you be in class?"

I looked back at him. Dead eyes. Lifeless, like hers. "Shouldn't you be in class?"

He was taken slightly aback. Then he smiled sheepishly. I wanted to tear that damned grin off of his face. "I guess so, huh?"

I walked past him, looked over at the corner. Where she used to sit. Used to read. Used to think. Used to live.

But it's changed.

"Where the hell is her chair?" the voice boiled out of my throat. Didn't recognize it. Got scared. Got angry.

Koizumi looked confused, then he looked where I was looking. He tried to explain. "Kyon, listen..."

"Where is her chair?" the voice asked again, louder than before. Not my voice. But out of my mouth.

"Let me explain," he said.

I was shouting. It was my voice, after all. "Where the hell is her chair, you bastard?" My hands were trembling, convulsing like dying spiders. Frightened, spasming, ready to kill.

"Yuki is gone, Kyon," he told me. I didn't listen. I refused. "We have to move on, for the sake of Miss Suzumiya-..."

His neck felt fragile beneath the weight of my open palms. My fingers locked around his throat and squeezed. I wanted to see him die. Die like her. Murderer.

"You son of a bitch," I growled in the new voice. "Bring it back. Bring it back, or I'll kill you."

He was choking, gagging. Still trying to be polite. "Please, Kyon, snap out of it. If we don't move on..."

Then what? I was dying to know. Would the world end? Would Haruhi throw a fit and kill us all? Would we all go to hell with Yuki? Tell me, Koizumi. Tell me, you bastard. _Tell me. _

"Kyon, stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!"

I was awake again. Koizumi was turning blue, losing breath. Dying in my hands. I let him go and stumbled backwards and away from him. Hit the bookshelf behind me. Watched him recover slowly and quietly, watched him regain his composure. I wanted to see him choke forever.

"What the hell is the matter with you?"

Another voice. Hers. _Hers. _God.

I shrunk and shriveled, tucking myself into a defensive ball to keep them away. My face in my knees and my arms around my head. Darkness and safety. "Go away."

"You start choking Koizumi, then expect me to just go away?" she yelled. "What's wrong with you?"

What's wrong with me. It wasn't a question. How could it be? She knew damn-well what was wrong with me. "Leave me alone."

"Fat chance," she told me. Tried so hard. Tried to be herself again. Tried to become the happy, go-lucky God that we used to know. "I'm not letting this slide, Kyon." I could literally hear her crack a smile from the blackness of my flesh-ball. "As captain of the SOS Brigade, I will use my authority to ensure..."

"Shut the hell up, Haruhi!" I roared. Exploded. Stood and stormed towards her. Five seconds ago, I didn't even know where she was in the room. Five seconds later, I was inches from her face, screaming at her. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think because you're different, because you're wierd, we have to listen to you! Has no one ever told you what kind of bullshit that is?"

Her eyes were terrified. Shivering. Water at the edges. I didn't give a damn.

"I'm telling you!" I vented, released. "I'm telling you now! So shut up and listen for ten goddamned seconds!"

Koizumi was back. In my way. Not a good place to be. "That's enough," he demanded, hissing like my name was full of venom, "Kyon."

My fist connected with his already sore throat. I heard something snap. Saw him tumble back and into the chalkboard that we never used except for that one time. He gasped and sputtered, coughed blood.

"You," I snarled, pointing at him as he regained his footing. "You arrogant, ass-kissing piece of..."

Now Haruhi was in my way. "Stop it, Kyon, stop it! You're scaring me!"

She was in tears. Crying. Sobbing. Broken.

I had probably just damned all of humanity. Earth would reset. I wouldn't exist. Good riddance.

Had to leave. My eyes were leaking the emotion. The true feeling. The tears. Like lava dripping down my chin. "Get out of my way," I struggled to speak, failed. "Get the hell out of my way."

I ran out of the clubroom. Tears streaming down my face. Kids saw me as I went. There he is again. The crazy kid. Crying. What a baby.


	3. Chapter 3

It was dark in my room. Darkness. Blackness. Blindness. Nothingness. Numbness.

I tried to let myself forget. Stared at the lump of cloth that I think was my pillow. Tried to smother myself with it. Failed. Couldn't escape. Couldn't die. Couldn't be with her.

Force-fed memories that weren't real. Images that couldn't possibly exist. They were within the abyss. Masquerading as reality.

_"Kyon." _

Not real. You're not real.

_"Kyon. I am real. I am here." _

Lies. Liar. Don't do this to me.

_"Look at me." _

I did. She was lying next to me, her perfect eyes locked with mine. Golden circles of illumination. Holy and innocent. Alive and warm.

_"Your body temperature is rising. Your heart's pace is quickening. Are you well?" _

I didn't reply. Couldn't find the words. Couldn't find the strength. Just barely brushed the hem of her dress with the blackened tips of my fingers. Sore and bruised from clawing at her grave.

Her eyes lit up like fiery pools of pure sunlight. Angel's eyes. Her hands intertwined with mine like webs of cold flesh. I moved one hand up and away from her dress, brought it to her lips. Oh, God. Those lips.

She took my arm and redirected my wandering fingertips. Let me run them through her hair. Silk. Violet water in the palm of my hand.

_"If I was capable of human emotion..." _

Her nose brushed mine. I couldn't breathe. Could only watch. Listen.

_"... and I was in search of a romantic partner..." _

Yuki Nagato brought her lips to mine. A hair's breadth away. I was paralyzed by the terror. The anticipation. The love that never was.

_"... I would have wanted it to be you." _

She doesn't kiss me. She can't. The demons had already found her by then. They grabbed her by the arms and legs, tore her from my grasp. Screaming. Help me. Help me, Kyon. Things she would have never said in life. Things she always says in death.

I couldn't move. My eyes were glued to her retreating form. There's laughter from below. Insane and horrid.

She's ours again, the voices chant. The devils sing. The damned howl. Ours again. Ours again. Ours again. Thank you for her, killer. Thank you for making her ours.

I always awoke screaming in rage. Pain and agony. Regret and sorrow. There were never tears. Always dry. It's dry in hell.

I killed Yuki Nagato.

My cell phone rang. Broke the silence. Shattered the echoes of their laughter. Lit the darkness. Brought back the pain. Fresh and vengeful. I let it ring. Let it die.

It rang again. I was destined to pick it up. But I didn't feel like talking. So I answered without sound.

"Kyon, are you there?"

God was on the phone. I hung up on her.

Another ring. She just wouldn't let me suffer in peace. In a way, it was admirable. In a way, it was enraging as hell.

"Kyon, if you're listening, please come to the clubroom. I need to talk to you. Please."

She tried sounding tough again. Tried to recollect what it was like to lead. To be God.

"And... if you don't show up, there'll be a pen-... a pen-..."

She trailed off. Gave up. Hung up. Penalty. If I didn't show up, I'd die. Then let me die. Let it happen. Let the flesh-eating monsters drag me down through the floorboards, let the demons do their worst. Let them bring me to hell. Let me watch as they unchain her from her blistering shackles. Her violet hair singed and her pale skin red. Let her go anywhere. Heaven. Earth. Space. Whatever the hell she wants. Then let me take her place in eternal damnation.

But that would be too easy. You're a murderer. Death would be too simple. Hell would be too damn easy.

So I stood from my bed. No demons arose from the floor. No angel emerged unchained and free to greet me. No Nagato to tell me she'd won. No Yuki to say that she'd beaten the Overmind. That she'd beaten the devil. That she'd beaten God. No hell for me to go hide into.

I was walking towards the school without even realizing it. My body on auto-pilot. I wondered if her life had been like that. Her body doing whatever it was told. But she told it nothing. Strings pulled. Marionettes flailing. Puppeteers cackling. Make her dance for the God. Dance and amuse the one called Suzumiya.

Sometimes I thought that death was a release for her. That it was the sound of strings being cut. Dolls falling to the floor. Free but lifeless. Run along, little toy. We are done with you now. Run along and dispose of your corpse. You have lived in shackles, and now you can die without them.

I would always conclude that the answer to these questions was no. Partially because I believed that deep within herself, she was a living, breathing being. A real girl. A girl with emotions. Dreams. Desires.

And partially it was because I liked to think that she would have loved me back if she could.


	4. Chapter 4

Moonlight splashed the gray pavement in a hellish blue glow. Periwinkle stars said hello. The sidewalk had a thin layer of ice atop its craggy surface, and I half-slid, half-walked towards the school. Black building casting shadows on the earth. Ghostly white slits like eyes shined; windows reflecting starlight.

I wandered inside. Into the maw of the silhouette monster. Down the throat I fell. Hallways. Peered through ashen, empty veins devoid of life. Classrooms. Landed in the acidic hellhole called the stomach. Clubroom.

Haruhi was there. Had she fallen inside of the monster, too? Deceived by its appearance? We would die here together, then. Slowly. Painfully. Burned away until nothing was left but dust.

She stood. Looked down at her feet. God was wearing black heels, a wool coat, and a wine-colored headband and bows in her hair. Brunette by day, jet-black by night. Looked back up. Met my gaze.

"I didn't think you'd come," she admitted. Surprised. Glad. Hurt.

Me neither, I wanted to say. The voice wanted to say. But I restrained it. Stared blankly into her caramael eyes. Hid the remorse deep inside. Noticed how much Suzumiya's eyes resembled hers.

"We need to talk, Kyon," she told me. Attempted to sound firm. Strong. Failed.

"About?" I asked. Even though I already knew.

Her placid, sorrowful eyes warped. Turned electric. Flared with frustration. "Damn it, you know what about!"

I walked further into the room. Pulled up the chair I used to sit in. Before all of this. Sat down. Instinctively glanced over at Yuki. Remembered she was dead. Glanced back at Haruhi.

"What..." she started to say, stopped, and then continued, "... what the hell is bothering you?"

A spark. Flickered. Sputtered. Died. "Nothing is bothering me."

"Bullshit," she declared. Challenged. "Tell me what it is."

Another spark. It held. Smoked. Started to burn. I choked it out. Killed the fire. "I said it's nothing." Tried to escape. "Is this all you wanted to talk about? Because if it is, I've-..."

She approached me. Put her hands on my shoulders. I flinched. A third spark.

"What's wrong, Kyon?"

Smoldering. Charring my throat. Blackening my insides. Amber and scarlet lights like neon flashing and blinding my eyes. Flame. Blood.

"Tell me, please."

Her face. Nagato. Embers licking. Skin melting. Bones breaking.

"Kyon?"

"She's in hell," I said finally. "Isn't she?"

There was a sound. My skull rattled and my ears rang with noise. Searing pain in my cheek. Red prints shaped like fingers spanned across my face.

Haruhi glared at me with wet, chaotic eyes. Agony. Sadness. Outrage. Her hands were shaking in her pockets now. The one she used to slap me vibrated erratically.

"Don't you..." she choked, sniffled, fought back tears, "... don't you _ever_ say things like that."

But she didn't know what I knew. How could she? In a world where God must remain none the wiser, how could she possibly know?

"I miss her too, you know."

So clueless.

"She was my friend too. Not just yours or Koizume's or Mikuru's."

So damned clueless.

"Do you think that I don't care about her? That I don't wonder where she is?"

Bring her back if you care so much. You have the power. Just shut up and reset already. Let me out of here. Tell me the punchline to this goddamned joke and let me out. We've all had a laugh. A cry. A fright. But it's over now. Let me the hell out.

Then something happened. Haruhi looked at me. Saw me. Really saw me. If I had to guess, it was the eyes that gave me away. Red-rimmed. Bloodshot. Dark circles. Hellfire. Killer's eyes.

"What was Yuki to you?" she breathed. But she knew. It was obvious by now. "Who was she to you, Kyon?"

A robot.

An angel.

An alien.

Beautiful.

Not my type.

Silent and alluring.

Too damn quiet.

Unrealized romance.

Just a friend.

Then I was running. Bolting through the darkness. Classrooms passed me like wind as I flew. Heart racing. Blood pounding. Eyes burning.

"Kyon! Kyon, wait!"

Voices. Laughter. Go away, go away, go away!

"Where are you going? Stop!"

Louder. Stronger. Shut up, shut up!

Shoved something aside. Something metal. On hinges. Squealing. Slamming. Door. Didn't know where it led. Didn't care.

Barreled outside. Into the moonlight. There was snow. Oh, God, the snow. She loved the snow.

No snow in hell, killer, no snow in hell.

"Bastards!" I roared at them, pounded at the ground below me. Rooftop gravel. Fist met rock. Rock drew blood. Blood touched ice. "Give her back, goddamn you! Take me instead, take me instead!"

I stood to my full height. Let the devils look at me. Tore off my scarf. Watched it flutter in the wind and drift down. Down. Down. Down.

"You want something to torture?" I was screaming. The voice was relentless. "Come on! Come on you sons of bitches! I'll take you all to hell with me!"

My coat came off at some point. The snow met my skin. Hot-cold sensations prickled my spine and shoulders. Eyes numb from crying. Ears scarlet from the elements. Heart shattered from everything.

_"Kyon." _

I froze. Kneeling on the ground. Glaring down at the roof. Everything stopped.

_"You seem upset." _

Upset? I chuckled. Upset? I laughed. _Upset?_ I exploded into hysteria.

_"I fail to see what is funny." _

I shook my head. Wiped away the water that had formed in my eyes. Looked at her. "It's nothing."

She stood before me. A winged creature with purple hair and yellow eyes. Black dress and snow-white skin. Ethereal. Not real. So real.


	5. Chapter 5

_"Where are you going, Kyon?" _

I'm not going anywhere, Nagato. I swear to God, I'm not going anywhere. By your side. Always. Just let me see you. Hear you. Touch you. Just let me know you exist.

A wisp of a hand outstretched. Beckoned.

_"Come closer." _

I didn't move. How could I? Whenever I got close to her, she vanished. Please, Nagato, just let me stay here. Just let me listen to your voice. Let me be lost. Let me be blind to this godforsaken world.

_"Please, Kyon." _

Couldn't refuse her. Can't refuse an angel. I stepped hesitantly towards her wavering ghost. The wings on her back glistened with snowflakes. White on white. Her honey-colored eyes melted my heart with a single glance.

_"I promise." _

Promise what?

_"We will be together again. Very soon." _

My heart skipped a beat. Nearly stopped. How soon? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? God forbid years.

Her pale, stoic lips parted just so. Approached me. Leaned into my ear. Her cold breath hot on my neck. I shuddered when she spoke my name.

_"Then we shall love." _

I could stand it no longer. I grabbed her by the shoulders. The velvet cloth of her dress. Brought her nose to mine. The frozen feel of her skin. Took her mouth in my own. The hot taste of flesh. She bit. I bit back. The boiling heat of blood.

So real.

If this was a dream, I wanted to sleep forever.

"Kyon."

Shattered. Snapped. Awoken.

I whirled around. The fresh flames of fury rekindled by the voices of reality. The fire faded slightly when my brain recognized Koizumi standing there, shrouded in shadow. The flaring weakened. But only by a small bit.

"Koizumi?" I asked in genuine confusion. Hadn't Haruhi and I been the only two here? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

He stepped from the darkness. White flecks peppered his hair and face and jacket. Cracked a small smile. Knew that I knew it was fake. "It appears my sources were correct when they told me I would find you here."

Sources? I didn't care. Mind too weary to analyze. Vision too blurry to see straight. Heart too torn to rationalize. "What the hell are you doing here?"

His false grin broke. Faded. Became a frown. "I wish I could say I was simply here to talk." Smiled again. "Of course, I'd be lying if I said this had nothing to do with business."

Interrupted her for this? For _this_? More of this organization-esper bullshit.

"So," I said sharply, "what then? Why are you-?"

There was a noise. Something loud at first. Quiet later. Like a fading explosion. Ears rang. Thoughts became static. Unreadable. Indecipherable. Nonsense.

Then there was the taste. Bitter. Copper. Salt. Blood. My lungs sucked down crimson, spat out black. Couldn't breathe. Coughed. Choked.

The warmth was pleasant. Intense but welcome. It spread like wildfire. Started in the stomach. Moved to the chest. Blanketed the heart. Enveloped the legs. Clogged the toes and fingers.

I blinked once. Koizumi moved quickly. Walked nonchalantly but fast as hell. Beretta in hand. Finger on the trigger. Smoke rolling from the barrel's souless, dead eye. His own eyes spewing muddy sparks of emotion. Stuff I couldn't identify. Couldn't translate.

I blinked twice. He was close. Inches from my face. One arm around my neck, fist clenched and holding me upright from the back. Tapping the spinal cord just right and making me his puppet. The other arm slightly above my belt. Level with my abdomen. He held me delicately and precisely. Wrapped up in his sick, twisted, little snake-embrace of death.

He mumbled something. Didn't hear him. He spoke again. Louder. Like he knew I wouldn't hear the first time. "I'm sorry, Kyon. I was directly ordered. Please, understand. Please."

I blinked thrice. Gasped deeply. Filled my throat with icy air. Chilled my core. Wanted to tell him. Bastard. Son of a bitch. Asshole. Friend.

I blinked a fourth time. Two more explosions. I heard something tear. Felt something rip. Flesh. Cloth. I'm not sure. Black corners closing in. Vision turning darker. Warped. Distorted.

He hissed something into my ear. Closed-space. Suzumiya. Hell on earth. No more earth. All your fault. "I really am sorry. Really."

The gun was in my hands. His words echoed in the depths of my skull. Came back out as a half-assed language of commands and bullshit. Gun. Take it. Coming. She's coming. Quick. Don't die for nothing.

Blinked a fifth time. Locked the sights on his stupid face. Right where his stupid smile always showed up. Blow off his stupid head.

Pulled the trigger once. Twice. Thrice. Ten times. Twelve times. Twenty times. Again. Again. Again. Until his head should have been nothing but ash and brains and blood and mucus. Except the clip was empty. And every shot fired had replied with a hollow and useless click.

Didn't think I'd give you a loaded gun, did you, Kyon?

The sound of a door smashing open. The blurred outline of a girl sprinting towards us. The same hazy vision stopping halfway there. Gasping. Shock. Horror.

"K-Kyon?"

"Miss Suzumiya, get back! It's not safe!"

Blinked a sixth time. I wobbled back and forth like a ragdoll. Koizumi pretended to wrestle with my limps hands. Faked fighting for the gun. His fingers locking my dead grip to the pistol in case I got wise and tried dropping it.

I felt a force push me backwards. He tore the Beretta away after what felt like hours of play-fighting, and then he shoved me into the abyss. I tumbled, rolled, spun. Felt the surface of the roof I had come to call ground get ripped out from under my feet.

A scream.

A forced gasp of surprise.

A string being cut.

And the puppet fell and fell and fell and never hit the ground.


	6. Chapter 6

Cold, hard ground. Concrete. The snapping noise that bone makes when it meets cement and ice. Skull. Spine. Shards scattered across the ruined fields of fire. Flesh bruised and broken in the smoldering plains of hell.

Finally.

The demons came for me. Their tattered, crimson wings spanned to unimaginable lengths. Flew. Raised by the hellfire. Floated above the brimstone.

Eyes. Goddamned eyes. Empty. Dead. Sole objective. Numb to consequence. Koizumi's eyes.

_"Time." _

Her voice.

_"It is time." _

My hands shuddered as she took them in hers. Flawless and pale. Dirty and scarred. Contrast. Opposite. Lifted me to my feet. Legs useless. Knees shattered. Brought my head so it was level with hers. Locked eyes. Golden whirpools of perfection.

The devil came closer.

_"Together." _

I looked at her. My angel in eternal damnation. So many things I never said. Never could say. Now I could.

Yuki smiled. Actually smiled. The fires of hell drank my tears as they fell. Extinguished emotion with roaring gouts of heat.

Nagato came closer to my body as the lord of the flies screamed behind us. His horrible claws raised high. Her beautiful lips parted just so. I leaned forward. Let this happen. Damn me to hell but let me be with her. Bring on the brimstone, you bastards.

Then it happened.

It was just a flicker at first. Like a glitch in a television's screen. A flash of static and sound distortion. Then it was more. The landscape around us dissolved. Dust. Ash. The edges of my vision were clouded with shades of black and silver as the rocks and flames of hell warped into simple powder. Then said powder was lost in the wind.

What's happening? I looked desperately at Yuki. What the hell is happening?

She appeared as stunned as I was.

Her hands in mine. Flesh within flesh. The evaporation started with her legs. Spread to her arms. To her fingers. Ash within flesh. I shouted, yelled for help. But sound had become nothing but a mute nightmare. Her very essence was being swept away like dirt. Before my very eyes. And there wasn't a damned thing I could do to stop it.

Caramael eyes engulfed with terror. Violet hair singed and burned away until nothing was left but skull. Chalk-white bone absorbed by the dust. Horrified orbs disintegrated and thrown into the oblivion beyond oblivion.

Alone again. My turn. Fingers charred and numb. Blown away by nothing. Evaporate. Burn. Erase.

No.

The world was black. Nothing. Dead.

No.

My hands were gone. Shoulders next. Legs and torso not far behind.

No. No. No. No.

"What the _hell_ do you want from me!?"

No answer. No reply for the damned. Not even a reply for those damned after damnation.

...

Clack. Click. Clack. Pause. Click. Sigh. Clack. Click.

"This is boring."

Sideways glance. Clack.

Fingers drumming on oak. Nails chipping away wood. "There's nothing going on today!"

Another sigh. Click.

"Forget it." Chair sliding across the floor. Sliding back into place. The rustle of a pack being shouldered. A huff of frustration. "I'm going home. You're all dismissed."

Suzumiya marched past me. Bumped into the back of my seat. I blinked. Sitting. I was sitting. When did I sit down?

"Looks like you've won this one."

Looked up. Koizumi. Eyes closed. Half-assed smile on his face. Palms open in the show of a shrug.

"I better get going. Play again tomorrow, perhaps?"

I nodded. Didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Glanced at the table in front of us.

An othello board. When did I start playing othello? And when the hell did I find the time to win the game?

I turned my head slowly. Cautiously. Gazed out at the glaring, red sunset. Blood through the blinds. Painting the clubroom scarlet. I turned and looked back at Koizumi.

His eyes were normal again. The demons inside were gone.

"Koizumi."

He looked at me. "Yeah, Kyon?"

Blinked again. Didn't realize I was talking. Figured it out. "Screw it. I can't remember."

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Okay."

"Koizumi."

"What?"

I still didn't realize I was speaking. But I asked questions anyway. "Did... did something happen?"

His grinning complexion warped into something serious. "Like what?"

Shrugged. "Don't know. Just... something, I guess."

"Are you alright, Kyon?"

I wasn't sure. Checked my pulse. Alive. Thought long and hard about what happened today. There were images. Classes. Homework. Lunch. But no memories about doing any of it. Nothing that told me that I had been there for it. Felt my chest for a heartbeat. It was there. Two fingers to my throat. Blood pumped through the vein. One finger on my wrist. My skin ebbed with life.

Then it hit me. Bullets. Hellfire. Nagato.

I was on my feet. The chair behind me toppled to the floor with a crash.

"Kyon! What's wrong?"

My eyes were locked with the corner. Her space. Her chair. It was there. He hadn't moved it. But then where the hell was _she_? "Where's Nagato?"

"I... I think she's at home. She wasn't in class today. Is everything alright?"

I grabbed up my backpack from the floor where I didn't remember placing it. There was no time. I had no idea what the hell was going on. I only knew that I had to move quickly. Before she was gone again. Before I was alone again.

But I took a moment to ask something very important of my friend the esper before I left. "Koizumi, listen to me."

His eyes were a mixture of wonder, confusion, and fear. "What is it?"

"If I was to ever put the world in any danger," I spoke without thinking, asked without listening, "if I was to ever do something that would hurt or scare Haruhi... would you kill me for it?"

Silence. Tension. Head pounding. Knees quaking. Had to move soon. Answer or none.

Then Koizumi smiled at me. "I would never hurt you, Kyon," he lied and knew that I knew it.

And then I ran off in search of an angel.


	7. Chapter 7

The snow was raining wet droplets of ice onto my head and shoulders, blanketing me in a slushy film from head-to-toe before I reached Nagato's apartment. My whole body was a shivering mess of emotions and sensations when I approached her door.

Cold. Fear. Butterflies against the ribcage. Flitting. Screaming.

I put my hand on the knob. Somebody died here. I released the handle. Fight the terror. Don't let her die again. This is how you lost her last time. I grabbed the doorknob and held it tightly.

Frozen. Uncertainty. Weightlessness. My soul separate from my body. Watched helplessly as the butterflies smashed through bone. Scarlet blood and amber wings.

White knuckles as I twisted the door open. Arms stiff and unresponsive. The creaking of the oak whined and rang through the halls. Darkness before me. Blackness and lifelessness.

"Nagato?" I breathed. Swallowed. Said it again. "Nagato, are you there?"

There was no reply.

I entered into the place of nightmares that Yuki had once called home.

_"Kyon..." _

No. No, not again. For the love of God, not this again.

_"Oh, God, Kyon... I'm so sorry." _

It wasn't Nagato's voice anymore. It was hers. Haruhi. The bringer of bad news. The messenger I had shot. Damn her. Damn you.

My vision was hazy. My head was pounding. The dim light of the evening sun and stars barely illuminated the room through the thickening layers of sleet that plastered the window. What was once red and bloody was now gray and dying. I could just make out the features and furniture around me. Mats. Table. Chair. Rope.

_"She was like this when I found her." _

A rope pulled taut. Spinal cord snapping. Life draining from eyes locked open for eternity.

_"What the hell do we do?" _

Dangling feet. Choking gasps for air. Not quite dead. Almost. One foot in hell. One foot still kicking and fighting. Angel wings meant nothing to the dying.

_"Oh, Kyon. What the _hell _do we do?" _

Don't know. I don't know. Shut up. She's not dead.

Golden eyes burning holes in my heart. No life. No warmth. Murderer.

Stop. Stop staring at me. Quit asking me what to do! How the hell am I supposed to know? She was my friend too, damn it!

Pale skin turned pallor. What had once lived was now dead. The puppet danced for the goddess no longer. All your fault.

Goddamn it, I loved her! Why, you bastards, why did you take her from me? She was dead. I was dead. We were going to be dead forever. Together. Forever. Why the hell did you bring me back here, then? To live it all over again? To know that no matter what I tried, I would never see her again?

"Answer me, you son of a bitch!" I roared, clawing at my eyes and face. Tears falling. Blood pulsing. Heart breaking. "Somebody out there, _somebody _tell me why!"

"Kyon."

I froze. Time stopped. A reply.

"Kyon. Look at me."

That voice. It couldn't...

"Please."

It was.

She hadn't changed. Purple hair glowing a faint indigo in the silvery light that basked the room. Somber, honey-colored eyes full of wonder. Snow-white skin beneath a black uniform. Hell... hell, she was wearing her school uniform, for God's sake.

I chuckled involuntarily. Felt the tears flood my eyes. Warm water that spawned even more teardrops.

"Kyon," she said. Monotone. Emotionless. Nagato. "It has been a long-..."

The material of my jacket muffled her voice as I hugged her tightly. Wrapped my arms around her small body. She took a few seconds to register this in her mind, and then she returned the embrace with her own icy grasp. Her fingers dug into my back.

Cold but alive.

"Over three-hundred and thirty-six hours have passed since our last encounter," she explained.

And every one more painful than the last.

"They listened," she said.

I choked out a strained, "W-... who?"

"The Overmind," she answered. "They realized that it would have been erroneous to remove me from this plane of existence. Through the actions resulting from my death, they concluded that it would have been too dangerous to let the world go on in this way. They could not safely observe Miss Suzumiya in this manner."

I was confused, to say the least. "So... what happened?"

"As Suzumiya began to systematically destroy the world with her powers, the Overmind reinserted me back into existence." She looked at me softly. Her eyes twinkled in the approaching starlight. "The world has been reset to as it once was one week ago."

I got it now. The world couldn't go on without Yuki Nagato. Plain and simple. "So, is everything back to normal?"

"Yes," she stated with a nod. Her expression stoic and calm.

It was over. Alive again. None of it had even happened. Just a bad dream. Hell, this was just another piece of code to her. Just another day.

But I had to make things right. Still had something to ask.

"Nagato?"

She looked at me. Heart throbbed. Mind raced.

"I... well, I..."

Her face was still.

"Are you doing anything this weekend?"

Yuki's eyes flickered. Her mouth shifted subtly, and her golden orbs moved at a million miles an hour. Calculating. Thinking. Wondering. Then everything stopped when she looked at me again. "I am available."

The End

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone's reviews and support while this was still in the works. MC-Kun, VeryBerry96, Artimenner, and Alfonso Ling. You're all awesome. And let me know if this is a writing-style you would like to see more of. It's not something I usually do, so feedback is appreciated. Thanks again for reading and reviewing.


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